Well that was quite intense. Not knowing what to expect, I’d got quite stressed, anxious, about the meeting.
She didn’t have a copy of the letter I’d given the GP originally so I had to tell her about what the problem is. It’s not easy to sum up one’s entire adult life, 35+ years, to a total stranger. Particularly decades of depression, highs, mixed states, anxiety..
I’m buzzing; as I explained it, you see those animations of atoms on TV with protons etc. buzzing around them like wasps on speed, and that’s what the inside of my body, my limbs, is doing.
Describe secrets going back to age 6 or so; the ‘mystical’ experiences that I tell absolutely no-one because they’re so personal, and which I now interpret as manic episodes.
The days spent sitting and fighting back tears, until almost understatedly they begin to fall, slowly, salty, and a levee has been breached. And the waves that have been moving inside me, swaying my own atoms, leak a little.
‘How would you kill yourself?’ is never going to be a question that can be considered or answered without emotion. After all, I’ve considered this same question tens of thousands of times over the decades. ‘I wouldn’t. I haven’t.’ Hopefully.
But the control – the self control – that I’ve always had is breaking down somewhat as I age; as anxiety and the highs become more commonplace than the lows. The mixed states are the most dangerous for me; when everything bad appears to be logical. Why not do it? Why not?
Because I have a son.
An hour and a quarter isn’t enough to relay facts of this magnitude and so I have another appointment in 2 weeks time. This is to gather more info to put forward for a diagnosis. This sounds scary; 2 mental health professionals and a ‘medic’ doing a longer (!) assessment. Longer? 75 mins has exhausted me.
So 2 weeks time. Watch this space and I’ll tell you how that goes. And maybe some more in the meantime as I have to keep a ‘mood diary’ by the hour. I explained that some of my extreme highs last 2 minutes, during which time I might have written 1000 words of fiction or painted 2 or 3 small canvasses..