Mood Diary 2

28.8.14 8am

Awake very early, 2ish then later at 4.15am. Lots of thoughts & ideas. Now, mood stable, but I realise I have tears in my eyes and am lower than I thought, and dropping.

9am. Much lower – dread, hopleless, tears. Mild obsessive/compulsive thoughts and actions – everything on the table is now parallel to each other and to the lines of the tiles. Trying to catch my breath, some chest pain. Anxious.

10.15am. Minor panic attack.

10.45am. Actually, not sure I came out of the high entirely. Don’t know. Confused over it. No idea what my mood is at the moment. Though I just ordered a few small things on amazon.. then started a text argument with ex-wife over a minor custody breach by her today.

12.30pm Managed to calm down and now mood stable.

2pm. Stable. Just found 2 more unopened USB drives I’ve bought recently. This makes 4 new ones, oops.

7.30pm. Stable, calm.

9pm. Mood stable, but emotional, tearful for no apparent reason.

10.30pm. Slightly anxious, light-headed. Worried, but don’t know what about. Very tired but will be awake by 2am.

Mood Diary

For my 2nd assessment meeting I handed over a detailed ‘Mood Diary’ I was asked to keep. I think the psych. meant a simple chart with a 1=low, 10=high thing. But it didn’t quite work out like that..

“2pm

Coming down now after a few days. Now feel edgy, anxious, slightly confused and have a headache.

I was asked about delusions.. I have one that I have always had but which has been more frequent the past several months. I have moments when I think that perhaps this life isn’t real and that at some point I had a serious accident, or shock (I am almost too frightened to consider it might involve my son) and am perhaps in a coma imagining all this.

If I talk about it now it sounds like a story, but when it happens I believe it totally for a short time until I can snap out of it.

I am thinking again about something I have sort of believed in all my life: solipsism. Also, photos of me, my reflection in mirrors, they have never looked like me.

Mood coming down: always introspective, examining, tired.

* * *

6pm

Coming down still, tired and moderately low. Washing up, started thinking of the day my mum died and I found myself considering how sensible it would be to end my own life. A fleeting idea, soon passed. No particular importance given to the thought, I was also listening to the radio at the time.

6.30pm

Anxious, nauseous.

9pm

Stable, mildly low. Buzzing has turned into slight trembling in arms and legs. Anxiety, nausea.
11pm

Very tired. Will be awake in a few hours. Mood stable, ‘normal’.”

2nd Assessment meeting

Yesterday was my second meeting with the Mental Health team nurse, another fact-findng one. I’d written a ‘mood diary’ – detailed, not just scored 1-10 – so handed that over. Writing it was illuminating to me in that some of the stuff that came out was quite revealing. A lot of partially suppressed stuff was brought up to the surface from a very dark place where it had lain all but undisturbed for decades.

The diary showed that in any day my moods were all over the place; from low to high, to mixed, often within the same hour.

This meeting was exhausting, as was the first. 80 minutes or so, discussion and her making a decision as to whether or not I should be referred on to Primary Care with a recommendation for diagnosis and (hopefully) treatment. The nurse said she would be referring me, that I should get an appointment within a couple of months, and everything would continue from there.

As to what ‘continue from there’ means, I really don’t know. It all depends on the diagnosis I suppose. I’ve said I’m not keen on a medication-based treatment, so that leaves some kind of therapy?

I have another meeting with her in 3 weeks time; this isn’t necessary for the process but was offered as an interim ‘therapy’ I assume. An opportunity to talk about my issues with someone who understands such issues better than most other people. And after all, I have no-one else around me to discuss all this with. I’ve driven all those away in an effort to control abandonment concerns.