Although my Secondary Care assessment and diagnosis appointment isn’t for another 5 weeks yet, I decided (while lying awake at 4am) that I would make a ‘gesture of trust’ with my boss in work and talk to her about what’s been happening to me since I approached my GP in early July this year.

So I gave her the very short version; that bets were now off on me getting a diagnosis of bipolar II and had in fact had this all my aduly life, 35 years or so, without getting any help, advice or treatment.

My thinking about revealing this now was that I would be able to access some Occupational Health support and would be protected by the Disability Rights Act if not now then after late November.

She was very supportive, or at least suggested such. Time will tell..

Confusion, confusion

It seems I have been confusing what is Primary- and Secondary care and have got them the wrong way round.

So far I have been meeting with a PRIMARY care nurse – the 3rd (and apparently final) meeting was this morning. Now that SECONDARY care have given me an appointment for assessment and, hopefully, expedited diagnosis, I cannot meet with the nurse I’ve been speaking with over the past months. You can’t be on the books of both levels of care.

I now have no contact with the Mental Health team until my Secondary care appointment at the end of November.

This morning we discussed ‘magical thinking’, which I somehow hadn’t heard of before. It’s what I do, habitually, it seems. I admitted that I believe the many ‘coincidences’ that happen in my day to day life aren’t such at all but are manufactured by me. How else would such coincidences occur? Most of them are very narrow and virtually impossible. Sorry, ‘impossible’.

I also admitted that I’m not entirely certain all THIS is real; I fancy that I might be in a coma or psychiatric ward somewhere (or even dead) imagining all of this existence and creating it all. Solipsism. Or, magical thinking.

Having spent 4 meetings telling the nurse all my symptoms (for want of a better word) I will now have to go through all that again in 7 weeks time at the Secondary care assessment appointment.