96 Hours

Wednesday 23rd Dec.

Wow, how many times this year have I been told to recognize my triggers? It’s got to be.. well, a lot. And how come, every time, despite knowing the theory of it all, in practice I never can?

Slept badly, waking often through the night inside a long vivid dream full of colour and overall goodness. And walked into town in the morning, stopping off at a large supermarket that was doing a good impression of the Sacking of Rome. But was I stressed? No, not one bit; in fact I was calm, and taking no notice of the carnage going on. I actually noticed this, just as I’d noticed the disturbed sleep.

But did I recognize my triggers? No.

And then later, this afternoon and suicidal in the bath, listening to the one song I always listen to when I’m Mixed. No.

Well, actually it was then, finally that I did. But by then I’d had 16 hours of this and that’s how long it took me to finally – finally! – recognize my triggers. And they’re so damned obvious, so damn recognizable that.. how did I miss them? How did I miss them, yet again? Doh!

How did I miss them the past 4 days, come to that? Sunday: two things happened.

My.. delusion.. well, my main one.. That I had a near-fatal accident some time back, probably whilst driving. That something very very bad happened to us (me and my son). And that now I’m either in a coma or catatonic; either way, I’m lying there and all this.. THIS.. is in my imagination. Not real. It kind of blurs with the solipsism I’ve flirted with unintentionally since my teens.

And on Sunday it was worse and I got stuck in a loop of really, really believing this delusion. And I got scared, and panicked a little because it meant..

well, it meant something BAD. The worst. And I can’t even say it because saying things can make things happen. And this is why I have my obsessions and compulsions; it’s a barrier; totems. So Sunday I got all OCD in the midst of this. THIS.

But that wasn’t the only thing. The other thing was I started smelling things. Really strong things, and I asked other people if they could smell them because the smells were really, really strong. And no-one could smell them. Then the next day, Monday, I could still smell them.

And last night, when I woke, I could smell them.

And now, four days later, it’s finally hit me. Finally suck in. The triggers! Only now we’re way past that, and whatever triggered whatever has bedded-in and left me with.. well, what they triggered.

Ninety-six hours and I’ve been triggered all over the place. Up, down, mostly both. And now I’m thinking that 2 months on the meds.. they’re not entirely working, are they?

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