Sunday

 

Sunday

 

Today I’m not well.

The swell in my chest the

catching of breath, an over-

 

whelming anxious death

each second rests for a

hair’s breadth of

 

distance. Each nerve

flares and bristles, neurons

whistling; I’m a taut

 

shivering muster of endings.

Today I’m a mess of systems,

a total failure at existence:

 

there’s a tide pulling me in

and a mass of moods, outwards.

 

Teacher with bipolar disorder

I rarely post links to articles in the press, but as a teacher myself this story was important to me. Last year, beginning meds and therapy, I had almost 9 months off work. Since I returned to my teaching job at the end of last July I haven’t had a single day off. This is the result of great effort (and a lot of stubbornness) and I feel proud to have achieved what I have done. I’ve had little or no support from Management, including seldom if ever being asked how I am and if they can help in any way. I’m certain if I had my arm in a sling or a foot in plaster they’d be falling over themselves to assist. But of course you can’t (usually) see bipolar… so evidently – to them – it doesn’t really exist.

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/teacher-bipolar-disorder-been-awarded-12519829

 

 

22 of them

Time passing fast, almost the end of January.

I’ve been pretty much discharged by my psychiatrist as I’m seemingly one of her success stories; the meds appear to be working. The fluoxetine is clipping the extreme lows, with Quetiapine helping it out and of course clipping the highs as it does so. Poor overworked Q!

I returned to work at the end of last July, just before schoool broke up for the 6 week summer break. And I’m still there, having not missed a single day so far. That’s how stubborn, some would say how strong, I am. I’ve had a lifetime, middle-50 years, fighting, struggling, but ultimately winning.

It takes concentration, a continual fight, to exist. Yes, that’s what it comes down to: maintaining existence.

My enemy (well, part of the pack) is still that damned intrusive suicidal ideation that looks for any glitch in the system, any gap atomically small. And says “hey, do it! Why wouldn’t you?”

Why wouldn’t I.

And I’m in this war alone; single for almost 2 years. Almost friendless, alone. I was pretty much discharged by my psychiatrist at my latest appointment in the shadow of the New Year. Now I really am on my own. Me and my meds. Featuring battles such as “fat or mad” – I continue to put on weight despite my best efforts.

I don’t trust the meds; it would be extremely foolish to do so. Madness still breathes and creeps inside me. I still don’t sleep. I’m sedated much of the time, I’ve stopped writing (poetry, fiction). Meds and me, we’re like that chess game in “The Seventh Seal”.