Spooky Action, not much of a distance

I am fastidious about my pre-bedtime routine. This is dictated by my (bipolar) anxiety and OCD. In the living room, I make sure the TV is off, the lights are off and the door is shut. This is how it always is, how it always has been.

This morning I came downstairs and stopped when I saw the door open and lights on. My first thought was that I’d  been burgled (unlikely as the house is as tight as a drum). But no, the lamp I always use was on and another lamp I seldom use was also on. The TV had switched itself off on the power-saving mode.

There was no sign of a break-in; windows were intact as were front and back doors.

This hasleft me feeling ill and uneasy all day. Thinking about it, I can guess only at two posible explanations:

Memory lapse (wouldn’t be the first) probably linked to the dissociation I have with my bipolar. Brief psychotic episode (again, wouldn’t be the first). Had I come downstairs in the night and watched TV or done something else? I have no history of sleep-walking.

It’s all very strange. Spooky action indeed.




Quetiapine 300mg XL – 5 weeks today.

It’s so difficult to get up in the morning, almost impossible in fact. I don’t think ‘sleep paralysis’ is involved, just that I’m so woozy and sedated that I keep dozing off again. I’m setting the alarm clock for 10am but this is proving futile; 11 is the best I can hope for, it seems.

But today, I’m incredibly woozy. I discussed, often, with my therapist my delusion that nothing is real. Or rather, nothing is real outside myself and that I am probably in hospital, medicated or comatose after a traffic accident or some extreme psychological trauma. There are signs of this I recognise in whatever state of being I’m currently in.

The main one revolves around coincidences. I won’t go into this too much, but I have believed that things are unreal through a ‘logical’ progression of thoughts based around how frequent coincidences make themselves apparent. Frequent and commonplace to the extent that they cannot be appearing naturally. Externally, objectively.

I had a shock ten minutes ago when I realized that I might in fact, at this moment, be dreaming and not awake at all. When I have this delusion I can to some extent control it consciously; I can ‘predict’ or ‘make happen’ some things that happen or more usually words that are said.

So just now I had the idea that the random word butterfly would make itself apparent very shortly – either spoken on TV (there’s no-one here with me) or read online. The occurrence of this word would, I know, almost certainly prove that this current existence is not real but exists only in my own mind. I have had several instances of such [solipsistic?] states in the recent past.

So far, the word hasn’t been spoken, so I am a little more content that I am awake. A look at my Twitter feed had a name including the word butterfly, and while I’m prepared to put this down to coincidence, I’m not 100% certain this is the case.

This is my problem at the moment. I looked online for mentions of sleep/wakefulness blurring in bipolar II but there’s very little at all. It might be part of my dissociative disorder linked to, or existing independently of, my bipolar.

I do realize this piece of writing is muddled and possibly incoherent. I don’t want to ‘tidy it up’. I don’t think I’m hypomanic at the moment, or particularly low. I generally know when these moods are happening. What I don’t know however is when I am in a mixed state, cycling rapidly. That’s why it’s a dangerous mood for me. I worry this delusion is indicative of a current psychotic episode. Hopefully it will settle or run its (usually brief) course. I do feel so very out of sorts today.