Suicidal

Suicidal today, but that’s OK. Isn’t it? I mean.. when did such ideation become, for me, normal? Well, a normality of sorts.

I imagine there’s a Suicide Machine. Or rather, a strip of three buttons:

3 buttons

 

 

 

 

Yes                   Maybe later             No

One would deliver instant painless death; no fripperies or fandangos. One would register a Meh, why not? I’ll think about it some more and get back to you. And one is No way, Jose!

Most mood situations, however complex bipolar can be at times (well, actually more often than not), can be resolved by pushing one of the three buttons. (I’m reminded of Alice’s Drink Me.)

Today was Maybe later, though for brief moments, it was Yes.

Welcome to normality, boyo.

 

 

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Pain

I’m not well at the moment. I always keep this to myself, but I’m tired of hiding it all the time. People don’t know that mental illnesses – including bipolar – are accompanied by much physical (especially neuropathic) pain. As if struggling with one’s mind, moods and anxiety wasn’t quite enough to cope with already. ‪#‎FightingStigma‬

 

 

Secondary care assessment & diagnosis

The waiting is almost over.. possibly. Having presented myself to my GP in early July this year and handed over a letter detailing my lifelong (I am in my 50s) undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, my Secondary Care assessment and diagnosis appointment is next Monday.

I haven’t been to work this week, just couldn’t leave the house. Particularly having slept so very little; racing thoughts, agitated, OCD at 2am and every hour thereafter.

If you’ve been following my random posts on this blog you’ll have heard me say that this diagnosis is almost certain to be one of Bipolar II, possibly with some other issues.

Since I was discharged by Primary Care (after a few appointments) 6-8 weeks ago (because Secondary- had taken me on) I have had no support at all but my health continues to decline quite markedly. Hence the reason for my GP visit.

Actually there was advice, of sorts, to tide me over: ‘if in crisis, go to A&E or ring the Samaritans.’

Needless to say, this hasn’t been any comfort to me during these weeks of ups, downs and – more frequently – mixed states. They’re the most dangerous of course, as you’ll probably know.

So, next Monday.

See you on the other side!

Disclosure

Although my Secondary Care assessment and diagnosis appointment isn’t for another 5 weeks yet, I decided (while lying awake at 4am) that I would make a ‘gesture of trust’ with my boss in work and talk to her about what’s been happening to me since I approached my GP in early July this year.

So I gave her the very short version; that bets were now off on me getting a diagnosis of bipolar II and had in fact had this all my aduly life, 35 years or so, without getting any help, advice or treatment.

My thinking about revealing this now was that I would be able to access some Occupational Health support and would be protected by the Disability Rights Act if not now then after late November.

She was very supportive, or at least suggested such. Time will tell..